I Will Have To Go Back To Work

There are so many mother's today working full time. I used to be one of them. I worked full time with my first two children, and am a stay at home, preparing to go back to work very, very part time with my third. So I have experienced both sides of the debate.

Most Mom's will tell you that leaving their newborns and heading to work was the most heart wrenching thing they have ever done. Many of these same mother's will also tell you that despite their own feelings of guilt, their children are doing just fine.

I am not hear to judge you or criticize. Returning to work is a personal choice based on your personal situation. The true reality is some of you have to work, some of you choose to work, and some of you will choose to stay home. And a few of you will have every intention of returning to your careers and ultimately make the decision to stay home once you have your baby in your arms. Regardless of what choice you make, there are many women in your shoes. And lots of advice to be found on all styles of mothering.

Now, let's talk about going back to work. Hopefully you are planning on taking the standard three month leave. And ideally this three month leave will start after your baby is born. I really encourage you to try to do whatever necessary to take that full three months at home with your baby. It is a precious time that you will remember for the rest of your life. And it also ensures plenty of time to establish a strong breastfeeding relationship.

I am sure you have it all mapped out in your head by now. You will be the modern woman who will have it all; a thriving career you love and a happy family. I am sure you have images floating around in your head of leaving your bundle of joy each morning, complete with a full days supply of your freshly pumped breastmilk. Your little one is clean, in good spirits, and wearing yet another, so adorable, it makes you want weep, outfit. You, of course, are freshly showered, hair done, make up applied, and wearing a clean smart outfit in your pre-pregnancy size. You kiss your darling goodbye and briskly walk away while your happy infant practices waving goodbye . Secure in the fact that your precious baby is being cared for by an attentive and responsible caregiver, you have the piece of mind to face a challenging and productive day at the office.

Doesn't that sound wonderful? I really hate to do this to you, but let me tell you the true story, starting with the first day you return to work.

First of all, throw out the notion that you will be wearing anything in your pre - pregnant size for at least nine months. Remember this - Nine months up, nine months down. Or in my case, Nine months up, and nine months to come to terms with it ain't gonna happen. I'm not saying I haven't managed to lose a considerable amount of weight after each child. But I am not the size I was when I started to personally populate the planet. My hips are wider (not just my hiney, but my hip bones are actually wider) my rib cage is broader, and my feet are bigger. Yes, my feet! Its a fact ladies, your feet get bigger with each pregnancy. If I have any more children, I just may have to order "special shoes" from www. girlyougotbigfeet.com. My point? Do yourself a favor and plan on purchasing new clothes for yourself after the baby and before you return to work. It will save you lots of heartache, and make you feel good to be wearing something new. Unfortunately, there is a chance you will become very good friends with the plus size department, and find yourself very grateful that there is such a thing. That being said let's move on to debunking the next fantasy...

You and your baby will look picture perfect... Ok, you may get a shower, and you might get to put on make up, your hair might even be freshly washed and styled. But pick one, because all three will not happen unless you get up at four in the morning. And then it will still be a big MAYBE. However, I guarantee you that your baby will be clean, dressed sweetly and will have everything he needs packed neatly away in his bag. The supply of freshly pumped breastmilk might be a little tricky. We'll get back to that in a minute. It is tough to get ready with a new baby. The scenario will go something like this...

You're alarm goes off at a reasonable time. You wake up and discover your baby is still sleeping. Perfect! Just one hit on the snooze alarm and you promise yourself you will get up and be all ready by the time your baby wakes up. Three hits on the snooze alarm later, you suddenly wake up, not from your alarm ringing, but by your baby crying. You sit straight up, and realize you are late. You pluck your baby out of bed, or simply roll him toward you (depending on where he ends up throughout the night) and start feeding him. You spend the next 20 minutes berating yourself for not getting up sooner. OK, baby is done, and you change his diaper, place him in his swing and head for the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror you are fully aware that you need to wash your hair , but it will have to do another day, and you decide to go with a "chick ponytail" instead. You put your hair into a temporary ponytail and jump in the shower. Washing quickly, you get out, dry off, brush your teeth, and prepare to apply makeup. As you pick up your first arsenal, Jr. Starts to cry. You rush into save him from the gas bubble threatening to split him in two and realize you need to leave the house in 15 minutes. Better go ahead and get the baby ready.

OK, new diaper, a little powder, adorable new outfit, and he's ready for the cover of Baby Magazine. You then put the baby back in the swing as you chant, "Please don't cry, please don't cry". Now, to the closet, you grab the first thing that looks like it might fit, put it on, and you're ready to go.

You put baby in the carseat, baby bag over your shoulder, baby in carseat in your hand, and you stumble out the door. This is when you realize you forgot your purse. You sit the baby bag down, haul the baby in his, brand new heavier then a Volvo carseat, back into the house. You locate your purse and head back to the car. (you have now broken a sweat) OK, babyseat safely strapped in, throw your purse over the headrest into the passenger seat, place your hiney in the driver's seat, safely back out of the driveway, put the car in DRIVE and... OH HOLY COW! This is about the time you discover you've forgotten the baby's milk in the refrigerator. You also realize that you are going to be late to work.. again. After retrieving your baby's food supply for the day, you are finally on your way to your caregiver.

If you re-read these chain of events you will discover you never put on makeup, and the temporary ponytail you wore in the shower is now your hairstyle for the day.

Let's move on to the perfect caregiver fantasy...

Let me break this to you gently - THERE IS NO SUCH THING. NOT OUT THERE. DOESN'T EXIST. Let's instead talk about a suitable caregiver. A suitable caregiver is someone who is kind, responsible and clean. I'm not talking about June Cleaver, eat off the floor clean. But reasonably sanitary and tidy. No large man eating insects under the bed, no big piles of dog hair in the corners for you little dumpling to eat, or no big mean dogs to eat your little dumpling. No piles of rotting dishes in the sink, or last night's bottles from an all night beer binge sitting by the door.

Are you thinking, " there she goes again, being funny." ? I am dead serious. I have three children. I worked full time with my first two. I have gone through in home providers, nanny's and daycare facilities. And the nightmare I just described above does exist. However, I would rather my child be at a kid friendly home with safe toys scattered about and comfortable worn furniture where he or she can be themselves. A picture perfect home with pretty nick knacks on the table is not what you are looking for. Children are messy and you want someone who knows and understands this and will allow your child freedom and a place to have a good time.

*NOTE: I love dogs. I own dogs. I have no problem taking my children to a home where dogs live. But just as you will investigate the caregiver herself, if there are pets in the home, inquire about them as well.*

Please don't panic. Although I firmly believe the perfect caregiver doesn't exist, it is possible to find a wonderful caregiver. But it will take time and you need to do your homework. Start early and be very, very picky. But not unreasonable. There will be something about everyone you will not like, and issues will arise from time to time. But finding someone you can talk to, that you like, and that loves and understands children will be the first step toward success.

Daycare facilities, in home day cares and nanny's all have their pros and cons. Regardless of which path you choose, you have to be thorough. Here are a few things to check...

References: Ask for references and actually call them. Don't assume that just because the provider had the ability to give you references that they are good. You will be surprised what people will tell you. And you can get a very good feel for the personality of the caregiver by speaking to previous or current clients.

Conversation: Spend time talking with the provider. Casual conversation can give you an insight to the private life of the provider. You will want to know what type of person is caring for you child inside and out. Steer the conversation to other topics of conversation. Such as hobbies, family and past work experience Most people have the ability to put on a very good show for your first meeting. The trick is getting past the "good impression" phase and looking for the dirt. Care giver's are human.

Drop In's: You know how you hate to just drop in on folks without calling, just in case they're in their underwear, holding a hairbrush and singing the theme song from Grease? Well, dropping in is the best way to confirm that what you saw happening at your initial visit is the way things really are. Don't be shy or worry about being inappropriate where the safety of your child is concerned.

Background checks: It is also a good idea to ask if the provider has had a recent criminal background check and ask to see it. No matter how perky, nice, or sweet, you are basically speaking to a perfect stranger about caring for your child unsupervised. Need I say more?

DADS...

Some families are very fortunate to have the ability to coordinate schedules so Dad can be home with baby while mom goes to work. This is the best of all worlds for many reasons...

1. Dad loves baby as much as Mommy does

2. Dad needs time to bond with baby 

3. Dad will enjoy his time alone with baby (he may not realize this for several years but don't worry, he is enjoying it)

4. Dad does not need a background check or references

5. Dad is FREE, which means everything Mommy gets paid goes to family expenses and not babysitters.

There is only one negative to Dad being Babysitter...

DADDY IS NOT A MOMMY, so be patient with him. He will learn. His ways won't be just like yours, but baby will learn to like and accept Daddy's way too.

Let's touch on that freshly pumped supply of breastmilk we talked about earlier. You must start pumping around 4 weeks before you start back to work. There are several reason for this and I will explain a few.

1. It takes time to learn how to pump efficiently. Your very smart, super boobs know the difference between your baby's suckle and the pull of a beast pump. Your body will need some time to get used to the difference.


2. It is not easy to pump lots and lots of milk while you are with your baby . As I told you, your body adjusts to the demands of your baby. And if you are like me, you may find it difficult to have a productive pumping session unless you are separated from your baby and miss a feeding or two. However you may be just like my best friend, and still be able to pump enough milk for twelve babies without leaving your baby for a minute.


3. It's important to become familiar with your pump. You will want to pump every three hours while away and you may have only twenty or thirty minutes for each session. You need to be relaxed to achieve a good let down and becoming an expert in using your breast pump will help you do this quickly


4. Pumping a little each day will add up to several complete feedings and ensure your baby has enough of your milk to get him through the day. You can expect some waste the first few days at the sitter. Your breast don't have a digital read out letting you know how much your baby is eating, therefore you and your caregiver will be guessing a bit until she learns your baby's eating habits.

Now, it is time for the good news.Eventually you will learn to get to work on time with make up applied and hair done. You will find a suitable caregiver, and you will become an expert pumper.

Leaving your baby is hard. I have to be honest with you about that. But things get easier every day. And you will appreciate your breastfeeding relationship more then ever before. After a long and busy day at work, you and your baby will find peace and comfort when you begin to nurse him after being away so long. And you will be relieved to know how happy your baby is to have you back. No one can replace you. And by pumping at work, you can feel good about doing something good for your baby even when you can't be together.

Please be strong and firm about your need to pump while in the work place. Do your homework about the benefits to employers that come with supporting your breastfeeding relationship. Print out articles and give them to your supervisor if necessary. The benefits of breastfeeding are indisputable. Here is a link to get you started by Dr. Sears.

The moral of this story? Being a working mother is challenging. But choosing not to breastfeed will do nothing to ease the tough stuff. Only time and practice will make your life return to some kind of normal again. Choosing to breastfeed will give you a deep sense of satisfaction and help you to feel close to your baby even though you can't be with him all the time.